The Engagement
by silver0river
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Carlisle had to make peace with the Volturi. The result ... he arranged a marriage for Edward and Jane! Here's following the results of Carlisle's master plan. Breaking Dawn disregarded
1. Chapter 1

**Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer**

-Edward's POV-

Carlisle called us all in for a family conference.

I dropped Bella off at her place quickly, but didn't tell her what was going on. There didn't seem to be a point in worrying her, when _I_ didn't even know what was going on yet. However, he did mention it was urgent, and hadn't bothered to give me any details. I drove back to the house, wondering what could be wrong this time. It sounded quite serious, so I sped even more so than usual, trying hard not to assume the worst.

The air was tense, and I would have been sweating if I could have by the time I pulled the Volvo into the garage. The others were waiting for me outside, and they looked about as bad as I felt.

I followed them into Carlisle's office. Jasper was his usual silent self. Alice was fidgeting nervously. Rosalie was yelling at Emmett about something stupid (I think she was accusing him of putting Nair in her shampoo bottle, which of course, isn't funny at _all_. Hehe.) Although, everybody seemed to be just as clueless as me on the subject.

We burst into the office, anxious to make sure everything was alright. And everything was. Carlisle was sitting in his office chair, Esme by his side, and by them was someone I assumed was a patient until we realized -

"HOLY CHOCOLATE STARFISH!" Emmett shouted, grabbing the water gun hung off the wall and aiming it straight at the girl sitting in the chair next to Carlisle. The water gun was his idea - he put holy water in it in case of an "emergency". (I don't think we explained the rules of vampirism to him properly ...)

We all just stood there in horror, for there, sitting next to Carlisle with her legs crossed delicately, was Jane. As in, Jane from the Volturi. Yeah, I didn't believe it either for a second there.

"Emmett, put the gun down," Carlisle said, bored. "Jane, dear. Will you please wait outside?"

She giggled innocently. "Absolutely," she said, and looked over and winked at me. Yes, she actually WINKED at me. What the hell was going on here?

The minute she slammed the door, we turned on him.

"You've got five seconds to explain this, Carlisle or I swear -" Rosalie started dangerously, hunching over towards him when he beamed.

"Children," he said, his eyes twinkling. "I have just come up with the best idea diffuse the Volturi problem we've been having." We all frowned, waiting impatiently. "Well, as you've noticed, they seem to want to destroy us, correct? This whole Bella thing has been a strain on us all, so I figured ... why don't we just make peace with the Volturi? And well - Emmett, put down the gun - since Edward has refused to get a move on -"

"May I play with the gun?" Alice asked eagerly, not really paying attention.

"No. So since Edward refuses to change Bella, I've come up with a solution dear Jane has agreed to ... an arranged marriage."

Dead silence.

"Say what?" I said.

Carlisle beamed again. "Isn't it brilliant? We'll be part of the Volturi clan, and therefore will have protection over Bella! Plus, we'll be family, this whole situation will be water under the bridge."

"Wait, hold on ... who's marrying who?" Alice asked.

"Edward will be marrying Jane," he chirped, his eyes unusually bright.

Dead silence. Seriously - the crickets: dominant. I think I heard them orchestrating.

Alice and Esme raised their eyebrows. Emmett and Rosalie had their jaws dropped. And Jasper ... well, he just stood there like the clueless, silent dumb ass he was.

It had finally happened, I thought sadly. After all those centuries of him being deprived of blood and fighting his instincts, he had finally cracked and become a total and utter basket case.

"Er - Carlisle? Let's put aside the fact that she's a deranged psychopathic killer for just one second," I said, laughing nervously. It probably wasn't a good idea to upset him if he was truly this unbalanced. Nobody joined in. "I kind of already have a fiancée, in case you've forgotten."

He frowned. "This isn't necessarily forever, Edward. It's only until we get on the Volturi's good side, or until you decide change Bella."

"I'll change Bella then!" I screeched. "Did THAT ever occur to you first before you set me up with equivalent of Butcher Barbie from the Vampire Mafia?"

"What about her soul?"

"Screw her soul!" I whimpered. "What about _my _soul? Sorry, but I'd rather pick the fiancée that _doesn't_ have me staring at the ceiling all night long worrying about her trying to stab me in my sleep."

"You don't sleep, man," Emmett put in.

I gritted my teeth. "Is that really the point here?" I turned to my stepfather. Sorry ... EX stepfather.

"Why me?"

"Because you're the only one left unmarried. And besides, this is your fault."

"And you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic!"

"Edward, stop being a whiny baby and just do it," Alice muttered.

I gaped around at my family, who all seemed to agree with Carlisle. This was _ridiculous_, how could they actually consider doing this to me? Traitors.

"I'll do it," I said. "I'll just change her tonight, I'm not marrying that maniac."

Carlisle winced. "Sorry, that is no longer an option."

I groaned. "Why NOT?"

"Because I already told her that it was decided. Jane's really looking forward to this, apparently she really likes you."

"Yeah, I got that when she laughing at my writhing agony on the stone floor. That was a great day."

"Edward, you _have_ to," Rosalie said. "You'll know what she'll do to you if you don't."

I paled (well, I guess I couldn't really pale, so much as ... intense my pallor?) and sighed, running my fingers through my prized bronze hair. Rosalie was right, I was screwed. "So I don't get it," I said shortly, accepting defeat. "How is this going to work?"

Just then, Jane burst back into the room, glowing. I'll bet she listened on every word we said ...

"We scheduled the wedding for next Saturday," Carlisle smiled.

I guffawed. "Today's Sunday!" I shouted, forgetting temporarily that my pain-inducing fiancée was right beside me. "That gives us less than a week! We can't do this in less than a week!"

"On the contrary," Carlisle said. "We can. Don't worry, I've picked out a wedding planner, booked a place and everything. All you need to do is make the decisions. Edward, I want you to make a public proposal, and you better do it soon."

"Wha - no! What about Bella?"

"She'll understand, won't she? I mean really, we're sort of doing this for her."

"Oh!" Alice said. "Do it at school tomorrow! Everybody will see it there, it'll be fantastic."

Jane gasped. "What a splendid idea! Oh please Edward!" she said, pulling on my sleeve like a child. A child that would ripple antagonizing, white-hot convulsions if she didn't get her way.

"Yeah, sure," I said robotically. "I'll propose to you tomorrow at school."

"And play a romantic song!" Alice went on. "Put on a spotlight, walk to her through the crowd -"

"Hey, Alice?" I said sweetly. "SHUT UP!"

"All good ideas," Jane said looking up at me like a trapped rat.

My protests were drowned out as everyone started chatting excitedly, and that was when I knew, I had lost and this whole chain of events began.

So that was it. I was going to marry Jane Volturi out of some twisted loyalty for my family and other fiancée, for who knows how long. I looked up at Carlisle, who looked pleased with himself for his great idea. That poor, confused loon. He genuinely thought this was a great idea ...

"Bella's going to kill me," I sighed under my breath.

I had a feeling that by the end of this, they'd be taking me out in a straitjacket.

**A/C: Holy Chocolate Starfish, batman! - Smallville**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day at school was like hell, only not as fun. I hadn't been able to break it to Bella what was really going on, so she just followed me around all morning, smiling angelically, completely unaware of what I was about to do to this relationship. Everything was set up in the cafeteria; I had gotten there before school started, making sure all would go according to plan.

By the time we got to the cafeteria for lunch, I had almost lost it, and Bella was starting to look concerned.

"Is everything okay?" she asked. "You've been acting funny all day."

I searched the cafeteria, and sure enough, there was Jane, sitting at a table all alone looking very pleased with herself. I gulped, knowing what I had to do. I looked back at my girl, my sweet, sane, normal human girl and was making me dread even more what I was about to do. She was really going to kill me.

"I'm great," I said too loudly. "I just forgot something in my locker. I'll meet you in a couple of minutes, okay?"

She nodded and pranced happily over to Mike, Jessica and the others.

I scampered off to the audio room in the school to get ready for the big announcement and search for some music to play. I racked the CDs quickly, not able to find anything; they were all either empty or misplaced DVDs I couldn't use. And then, at long last, I found one. My stomach lurched.

"This is all they have?" I whimpered at it. This song hadn't been cool for years. But I had no choice, I had to get a move on. I got everything else ready too while I was at it, then headed back to the cafeteria with a microphone. My guy would be on the fancy stuff.

"And we start in three ... two ... one ..."

Then it all started. The lights went down in the cafeteria, and the song "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney started playing. The students stopped eating and searched around for where it was coming from. I stood at the door, patiently waiting for my guy to get the spotlight working, and right as the chorus started, the spotlight shined on me, I tightened my grip on the microphone and I stuck out my chest and began strutting over to Jane. I felt every single pair of eyes on me, and it didn't feel good. Some peoples' mouths were dropped and food was falling out of it, unnoticed.

_I don't want another pretty face  
I don't want just anyone to hold  
I don't want my love to go to waste,  
I want you and your beautiful soul_

Once I got over to Jane, I put on a fake smile slowly (not to be romantic, but because this was painful to do) and got down onto my one knee. That was when people started laughing. Naturally, Alice and Emmett started it, but it soon erupted throughout the room. I couldn't entirely blame them, this whole thing was pretty stupid. Rosalie gave a look that said, _You-brought-this-on yourself_ and Jasper, as usual, just sat there blankly like a dumb ass. Bella looked like she was about to have kittens.

I brought the microphone up to my mouth and began, "Jane, darling," I said, painfully slowly. "My skirt-chasing days are over, and I've found that all I want is you and your ... beautiful soul." Pfft. "So, will you do the honor of ..." I pulled out the ring I stole off of Carlisle's night stand this morning and held it up to her. "...marrying me?"

Everyone in the room gasped, except for Emmett who - I know you'll find this hard to believe - laughed harder.

The girl was good. I was going to offer her an onion or something, but Jane faked cried and looked all flushed and surprised on her own. "Of _course_ I will, Edward!" she gushed, and threw her arms around me.

"DON'T HURT ME!" I shouted, but she didn't pull her old trick on me. That was about the only good thing about this moment.

People started "aww"ing us and clapped, just as "Beautiful Soul" faded out and the lights came back on.

"Oh, Edward," Jane sighed. "You're really putting on a good show, you're holding me so tight ..."

"Yes."

She frowned. "You're trying to suffocate me, aren't you?"

"Maybe."

We were crowded by loads of adoring fans, all asking to be in the wedding party. Most of them I just ignored. Some girls were off to the side crying, but I'm too modest to understand why.

That was when Bella parted through the crowds, looking freakishly similar to the mountain lions I eat.

"Edward, what is this?" she demanded, looking at fiancée number two. "Are you on something?"

"No!" I exclaimed, running after her. "It's a long story, but I promise, Bella I'm doing this for us."

"You're finished with your 'skirt-chasing days'? Is that what I was to you, Edward? A SKIRT?" I didn't really know what to say to that. "I am going to _kill_ you!" She turned a heel and stomped off.

I sighed and looked at Jane. "Told you she'd kill me."

And now to plan the wedding.


	3. Chapter 3

"A canoe hall?" I inquired.

The family, Jane and I followed Carlisle in the Porsche, since I had no idea where he had booked the ceremony without my permission. We eventually ended up in a sketchy glade right outside of Forks, where there was some small, wooden building that – to be honest – looked like a shed, and next to it, a thin, filthy river.

Carlisle looked offended. "It's not a c_anoe hall_, it's a community center." He paused. "Which just happens to be for a canoeing club."

Jane flounced to my side, curling her hands around my arm. "I like it," she announced. "It's very rustic."

"I'm not getting married in a place called," I squinted to read the sign. "_Bambi-Gunner Castaways._ Carlisle what the hell, you're a _doctor_ for crying out loud. What's the point in even getting married in Forks? Why don't we find somewhere classier –"

"Edward," Carlisle sighed, shaking his head like I was incompetent. "the whole point of this is to be inconspicuous. It's not a good idea to draw attention to this event."

An involuntary smile crossed my face. "So does that mean the Volturi aren't coming?"

"Of _course_ they are, love," Jane giggled. "Daddy's real excited to meet you, he thought I'd never find someone."

I gulped at that one. No. This can't be happening. "Your dad's around?"

"Oh yes! He should be here fairly soon. He's a lot of fun, my father. You'll love him. His vampire power is an ability to twist peoples' intestines into several different kinds of knots. It's a very unique power."

"He sounds like a delight."

We sauntered our way into _Bambi-Gunner Castaways_, which really, wasn't much prettier on the inside. There were clusters of photographs of toothless men holding up fish, laughing, canoeing – all kinds of wonderful things. I didn't care if I had four days until my wedding day: I was getting this place renovated.

Carlisle's eyes twinkled. "Isn't it fantastic?"

"It's ah – _mazing_," came a voice from behind us.

I jumped slightly, and turned around to see who the voice belonged to. It was a tanned, bleach-blonde chewing a huge wad of gum standing in the doorway.

"Who're you?" I asked, screwing pretences.

"You must be Edward," she said in a horrible Brooklyn accent. "I'm your wedding planner, Bunny."

I was seriously considering getting drunk tonight. Or finding some human blood, in my case.

"All right, lovelies, lets get down to work immediately!" she exclaimed, waving out a rather large book I hadn't known she had until now.

She gave me a little shove towards the nearest abandoned table, and I sat down. She opened the book, revealing to us an enormous variety of dresses, flowers, cakes and ... different styles of forks. Basically everything. Jane was floored.

"Bunny, this is great!" she said. "Where to begin? Oh lookie, the ribbon styles are exquisite!"

"Ah, yes, you can get them in gold, silver, white and violet, although I can make a little exception," Bunny said and winked at us. I didn't understand, so she continued. "I would recommend you," she said to me, "a tuxedo. We've got your traditional black, a blue, green and gold. I say you should go with the gold one, since it'll match the colour of your eyes. The top hat costs extra though."

Beside me, Emmett snickered.

"Once again though, I can make an exception on the colour. All right, so for the music –"

"I want a harp!" Jane chimed.

Bunny _tsk_ed her. "We don't offer a harp, dear. Although we've got a keyboard, an organ and even an accordion –"

"Oh! Oh!" Alice jumped for joy. "The accordion! Pick the accordion!"

"_Alice!_" I roared. Call me old fashioned if you will, but a wedding – even if it was a _political_ one – was important to me. The idea of my bride walking down the aisle to Wagner's Bridal Chorus to an accordion was just repulsive.

"Good one Alice!" Jane said, flashing her a smile.

"All right," Bunny drawled, scribbling on a notepad. "An accordion it is. Now don't even get me started on the cake, which we pay per pound by the way –"

"We don't need a cake," I interjected. I leaned over to Jane so Bunny couldn't hear. "It's not like we can _eat _it."

"Well yes, but aren't we inviting your human girlfriend? I'm sure there'll be other humans there as well."

Before I could thoroughly disagree, Bunny started up again.

"You most certainly do need a cake! Would you like the figurines on the top to be carved to look like you? Or would you just like little teddy bears? Or we could copy pictures of your faces on them –"

"We don't need a cake," I repeated firmly.

Bunny slouched back down, and "humphed". "Fine, have it your way."

"Can we have cream candles?" Jane asked.

Bunny's eyes shifted slightly. "Isn't that not a very good idea?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, you know," she said, looking back and forth between us. "You _know._" We blinked, and she sighed. "The whole vampire thing. I thought you're allergic to light or something?"

I nearly coughed on my own air. I flung around at Carlisle, who was smiling still. "You idiot, you told the human wedding planner!"

"I thought it was necessary ," he said calmly.

"I am a professional, Edward," Bunny said, spitting out her gum. "What we discuss here is a hundred percent confidential. So, now that we're on the same page, would you like a red themed wedding? You know, like the blood?" She giggled.

"Very classy," Jane said.

"Excellent. So should we have crypts in the corner? I suggest we make literally everything red, and see if the humans get it. It'll be hilarious. We can have a human sacrifice if you want, if that'll be more festive. I don't really know all the rules of the undead."

"Undead?" Emmett asked. "Isn't that not politically correct anymore?"

"You know what you should do? You should have a _themed _wedding. I'll provide all the garlic, crypts, fake teeth and er ... 'red wine' you need, if you promise to pay ten percent more on the flower arrangements, and possibly the dress –"

This is pretty much how it went down for the next seven and a half hours. My head was pounding from the incessant jumble of chatter coming from Alice, Jane and Bunny, while I just sat in the background, praying for it to end. Jasper sat off in the corner writing in his pink Princess journal, Emmett and Rosalie continued to fight on whether or not it really was Emmett who initiated that whole Nair incident, and Carlisle continued to smile at his own genius of The Plan.

"Are you alright Edward? You don't look so well," Jane commented.

Bunny pinched my cheek, and I fought a very strong urge to kill her. "He's just getting cold feet. It's scary getting married, isn't it?"

"You have no idea."

Just then, someone else burst into the building. Several of us jumped up and shouted. It was a very, very tall, hooded figure, with withered white hands and gave no indication of what its intentions were. Actually, it kind of looked like one of those hooded fellows from Lord of the Rings.

The only one who wasn't fazed was Jane. She grinned "Hey, Daddy!" she exclaimed, and ran up to hug him. She looked like a dwarf next to him.

I was frozen in fear. "That ... is your dad?"

She beamed. "Yes, this is him. Daddy, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Edward. Edward, this is my father, Mahershalalhashbaz."

Next to me, Emmett howled with laughter. "This keeps getting better and better."

Grudgingly, I walked up to him, trying to crane my neck in such a way to see his face under the cloak, with no such luck. It was like there was just a black abyss in there.

I held out my hand, and finally, he raised his own and took it, still wordless. I tried not to shudder, feeling his cold, wrinkled and weirdly slimy hand bracing mine.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go now," I announced dully, pulling it back.

"Good idea Edward," Carlisle said, reaching for his coat. The others, all besides Alice who was having a great time, seemed pretty eager to get out of here too. "When we get home, we're all going to search the house with me. I seem to have lost my wedding ring."

**A/C: **

**- Bunny is loosely based on a one-time character from a General Hospital episode. **


	4. Chapter 4

I used to think that I had made my mark on the high school slate by simply being an elusive Cullen, but clearly that wasn't the case. My stunt in the cafeteria had quickly made me a legend, albeit unsolicited. People in the hallways now giggled when they saw me, or would start singing "Beautiful Soul" under their breath when I walked by. I had earned a month's detention, for what I wasn't exactly sure. It's not like I broke any rules, except perhaps stealing that CD, in which case I seriously resent. It was lying abandoned in a drawer!

After my detention (which I was definitely going to petition against – I had never had a detention in my entire life/existence) I noticed Emmett standing beside the front door, twiddling his thumbs and looking nervous. I realized he was waiting for me.

"What's got you down? Rosalie thought up another elaborate scheme to get you back for her bald spot?"

Emmett nearly growled. "I _didn't _put that Nair in her shampoo – you know what, never mind, that isn't important. Here, I think you should know about this," he said, handing me an envelope with the classic red wax sealing it shut, with a "V" indent in the middle.

"_Vamp Memo_ faxed it over this morning," Emmett added.

Yes, _Vamp Memo_ – it was the vampire communication company. I know what you're thinking – it's amazing that we've been able to stay in secret for thousands of years, well you know what? That's because we eat the witnesses.

I ripped open the envelope, revealing a thin, gold sheet of paper with an intricate, black lettering on it. I began to read:

_Edward Cullen of Forks,_

_I suspect that you never expected to hear from me in this manner, and to be honest, neither did I. I am a patient man, Mr. Cullen, but I have my limits. When I tell you I will kill Isabella Swan, I intend to kill Isabella Swan, granted you not change her. And you still haven't changed her. Do the math. _

_On another note, I am quite disappointed that you have resorted to kidnapping as a feeble attempt at rebellion towards me. I have sent a member of the Volturi to your quaint little town that you will meet in Forks' local cemetery. I will be arriving with my coven in a couple of days, and if I do not have Jane returned to me and Isabella Swan changed by then, I will personally scatter the shreds of your body all over Italy, along with your family. _

_Wishing you well,_

_Aro_

I let in a shaky breath, crushing the letter in my hand. "'Kidnapping'?" I echoed. "_Kidnapping?_ I thought Carlisle said this was all under control, that the Volturi approved of this wedding?"

Emmett shrugged. "We're all as confused as you are. Alice had a premonition too – the Volturi are coming. He's serious."

"We're going to have to get Jane to reason with him, that she's fine. She seems more than keen on marrying me."

"But what about Bella?"

"I don't know! She won't even speak to me since I got engaged to someone else."

"Yeah, people get testy when you do that."

"Shut UP Emmett –" I began when I crinkled my nose. A horrible, pungent smell invaded my nostrils, filling me with an imminent rage. I knew that smell anywhere. "Well," I said. "if it isn't the cherry on top of the Sundae of Hell."

Emmett and I spun around, looking through the opened front door to the bike racks, where – sure enough – Jacob and Bella were leaning against, talking and laughing brightly.

Without even thinking, I stomped off towards them, vaguely noticing Emmett was following me. I pushed through the clusters of students on campus, my eyes glued to them until I was standing right in front of them. Bella noticed me first, trying to appear as innocent as possible. Jacob followed her gaze until it fell on me, in which he sneered with glee.

I wanted to punch the barbarian square in the face, but I knew that wouldn't go over too well.

"Bella," I said steadily. "We need to talk."

"She doesn't want to talk to you," Jacob informed, stepping in front of her.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sorry, didn't you run off wallowing in grief a few weeks ago after that whole Victoria thing_?_ Bella, something's happened –"

"That was before I realized you left her and proposed to someone else right in front of her –"

"I am trying to help you," I said, looking at Bella. "I know this is hard to understand right now, but I don't have a choice. Bella, you can't run off with him."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Because he's an immature, selfish, drooling caveman whose arms drag on the ground when he walks."

Jacob made a face at me. "Dude, I'm standing right here."

"Glad you were able to figure that one out but my opinion still stands," I snarled, turning around to leave.

"Oh yeah?" I heard Jacob call. "You're just worried that my drool will fall onto your face and screw up your eye makeup, which is a tad askew by the way."

There was dead silence. Bella and Emmett gasped.

I spun around and bolted towards Jacob. "Why, you son of a –"

Emmett grabbed hold of my arms and held me back. "It's okay Edward, he didn't mean it."

"You wanna go? 'Cause I'll take you down right here and now, Black. You can steal my girl, go to war with my species but you do _not insult my makeup job!"_

Jacob's grin widened – he was on a roll now. "Hey, did you ever notice how your lip liner always rubs off? Not to mention your foundation –"

Bella grabbed his arm desperately. "Jacob, stop!"

" – totally doesn't match your skin tone. Not that you have one. What Edward, do you have insecurity issues? It's pathetic how you're always trying so hard, prancing around like you're the prettiest one in school."

I jerked myself forward with all my might against Emmett's until I got as close to Jacob as possible. "That's where you're wrong, Jacob," I whispered dangerously, stretching out my neck until our faces were just inches apart. "I _am_ the prettiest one in school."

Jacob blinked, and then followed promptly to burst out laughing.

"Edward, slow down, where are you going?" Jane called from behind.

She didn't seem to realize that I was trying to get away from her. She had brought Mahershalalhashbaz with her, who floated beside us (she insisted that we should bring a body guard to the cemetery) and was scaring the crap out of me. Jasper and Alice had also come along, even though I insisted this was a bad idea.

It was the average dark, gloomy day in Forks, right before sunset and we were all scouring through the trees toward the cemetery, which was deep into the forest. Apprehension spiked my nerves, since I had no idea who we were meeting or how violent they were going to be. I knew that we would outnumber them five to one, but still – the Volturi were coming here in a matter of days; this person had nothing to lose.

I dashed over to the edge of a mild quarry, looking down on the graveyard. The others soon caught up to me.

"Jane get ready," I said, my back hunched.

"I don't think anybody is here," she whispered, grabbing hold of her father's arm.

I jumped off the edge silently, landing in the middle of the graves. Despite my heightened senses, I couldn't seem to catch anything. I looked up and nodded that it was clear for the others to come down.

The five of us formed a circle, looking around, waiting.

That was when I saw him. He was in a black cloak that covered his face just like Mahershalalhashbaz, although he was much, much smaller.

"Look out!" I called at the exact same time Jane gasped in delight.

"Alec!" she cried, skipping over towards him.

Alec flung his hood back, grinning at her. They shared a hug, and I took this opportunity to frown.

They trudged back over to us, laughing, and Alec punched Mahershalalhashbaz in the arm (maybe ... he seemed pretty formless).

"Hey-ya Dad!"

He didn't respond. I was vaguely starting to wonder if he even had a face.

Then he turned to me. "The Volturi are going to _slaughter_ you, you know."

"You came all the way from Europe to tell me that? I knew that already from that lovely Hallmark letter Aro sent me this morning, thank you very much."

"Don't make me go all ninja on you."

I sneered at him. "Oh yes, you being four foot ten is real intimidating. I could hold your head still while you swing aimless at me, you midget."

Alec burst into tears. Jane briskly went to pat his back and she glared at me.

"Edward, that was very unnecessary! He has feelings you know!"

I threw my hands up in exasperation. "He came here to put the wrath of the Volturi into me!"

"That's not his fault! The only reason we are in this mess is because I ran away to accept the proposal Carlisle sent!"

Before I could reply, a figure jumped out from behind a grave and shouted, "HEY HON!"

Jasper let out a scream and jumped five feet in the air.

"BUNNY?" I thundered.

She grinned broadly. "Hello, dearie! Carlisle said I should be able to find you here to talk about the wedding."

"Now isn't the best time –"

"But we still need to discuss the decorations and the bridesmaids and the groomsmen ..."

Suddenly a Volturi massacre seemed a lot more desirable.

I spun around on Jane. "How could you lie to me? You said the Volturi approved of this marriage!"

I could tell if she could have blushed, she would have. She twirled a lock of her hair absentmindedly. "Alright, I haven't been ... completely honest with you." She sighed. "I saw the letter Carlisle sent and ... well, I just took off. I knew Aro would never approve of a marriage between us, but it's the best solution, Edward! This thing will just keep building up, and I just wanted to diffuse it."

My eyes narrowed. "Last time I saw you, you wanted to torture Bella and me."

"I've grown up since then."

"It was five months ago! You haven't grown up in the past five hundred years!"

She shrugged. "I'm trying to help, I'd like to be appreciated for it."

"Absolutely not. This wedding is off."

She stomped her foot. "No!"

"It isn't a negotiation."

"You're right, it's not. You know what Alec and I can do, Edward. I wouldn't mess with us if I were you."

"Are you _threatening_ me?"

Her lip curled upwards. There was a cold silence, and in that silence, I knew she had already won. Because I couldn't fight her.

After about a minute or so, Bunny broke the silence, "So!" she said, putting one hand on my shoulder, the other on Jane's. "From what I'm getting here, the wedding is still on! Which means we have a lot of planning to do!"

My gaze was still on Jane. "They'll be here in a couple days to kill us all, you know. So is the wedding. This is my only hope, I _have_ to marry you now."

"Dandy!" Bunny chimed. "So, let's get down to business!" She pulled out The Book of Doom. "I think we left off on the flower arrangements, didn't we? Now I strongly suggest red rose bouquets all down the pews and covering the entire front, but of course, I can only offer advice to you two lovebirds. (I gagged) Of course, we don't have to necessarily have to pick just one colour. We can do a variety of white, black and red roses, if you prefer, or we can just cut the flowers out all together –"

"No!" Alice exclaimed. "You can't do that! Jane, you should pick the variety pack!"

"Oh! The variety pack!" Bunny agreed. "You never know what you're gonna get! And the variety pack doesn't just come with flowers, but the entire decor ..."

Alec turned to me. "Can I eat her?"

I shook my head.

I groaned, leaning back on a gravestone while the chatter began again. Alec and I began to bond. Jasper – as usual – just stood around like a dumbass. Alice started playing "rock-paper-scissors" with Mahershalalhashbaz (I know, he doesn't have a face, but he has hands. Go figure.) and my beloved fiancée began talking flower arrangements for a wedding in a cemetery.

No irony fans? I didn't think so.


End file.
